ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
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the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.