The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
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If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag