There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
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Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
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Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Adultry does not sound fun at all
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby