What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
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doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
The Sun
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.