I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
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Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”