My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
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My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.