*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
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Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.