I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
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A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.