I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
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My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU