Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
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… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
best review i’ve ever seen
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.