there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
What if all the cashiers are married?
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.