[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
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{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
HERE’S MARKY
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.