@murrman5 [to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
@MissBamanthaa I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
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@murrman5 
@UncleDuke1969 Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
@SardonicTart I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
@maebemarbles *Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
@ramblinma My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
@terrip38 How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
@sskylark mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
@ThisOneSayz “My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
@chadchaines [phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
@stephenjmolloy Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?