I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
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Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
first you must answer his riddles
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I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
sleeping beauty
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First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.