Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
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caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
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I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
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I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”![]()
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.