Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
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[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy