go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
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I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Social Media and Real life
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone