*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
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Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.