When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
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[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
*bites zombie*
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
this isn’t threatening at all
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.