This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
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it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Who needs an Air Fryer?
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.