i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
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hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
When he asks for feet pics