*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
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Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Introverted vegans go meetless
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.