CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
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#growingpains
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
me after drinking all the wine:
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you