Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
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My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.