If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
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I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Perfection.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?