I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
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I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Had to try this trend 😊
I love the honesty
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.