Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
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A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.