Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
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All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
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alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.