Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
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Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My work here is don’t.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.