Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
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There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
“That’s what” – She
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically