You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
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DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then