While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
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Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Risking my life for fun.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous