My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
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My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.