so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
You Might Also Like
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.