Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

Friend: What do you like most about Adele?

Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*

Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?

3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!

Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

The legends were true

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]