Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
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Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
😂😂
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Perfect
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
What a chick magnet..
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…