My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
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I can fix him.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
it be like that
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
This forever.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”