Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
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*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Y’all know who you are.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
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