I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
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So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.