GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
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Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
sigh
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.