“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
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If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?