Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I feel it
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.