My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
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I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate