Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
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I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
the prophecies have been fulfilled
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time