Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
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A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
asked my bf how work was today
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
My dryer is celebrating lint.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!