some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
You Might Also Like
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.