When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
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I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Just as the prophecy foretold
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men