When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
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3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Him: Choose your weapons.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son