When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
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Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce