*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
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Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
wow he looks just like him
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm