Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
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My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
That’s enough internet for the day