account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
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when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.