[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
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Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
(more comics:
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.