Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
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I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™