Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
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I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
best first i’ve ever seen
There is no “we” in chocolate.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?