Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
You Might Also Like
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
so i’m at the stock market right
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
i have one speed and it’s mosey
🍛
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”